Unlearning the Patterns That Kept You Safe (But No Longer Serve You)

Some truths hit hard.

When I began to understand that self-sabotage and even my own passive aggressiveness were actually survival strategies — not character flaws — at first I wanted to reject it. Who wants to hear that they’re passive aggressive and sabotaging? But it made so much sense.

These behaviors weren’t “bad.” They were protective. Intelligent. Adaptive. Rooted in a time when my nervous system had no other choice.

But just because something helped you survive doesn’t mean it will help you thrive. And that’s where this story begins.

What We Think Is the Problem

You might think the problem is:

• Procrastination
• Inconsistency
• Saying yes when you mean no
• Being “bitchy” when your boundaries are crossed, instead of just saying no
• Shutting down or acting distant

Maybe you’re frustrated with yourself for not following through.
Maybe you’re secretly angry when people don’t respect your limits, but you never quite say it.
Maybe you catch yourself in sarcasm or emotional withdrawal and feel ashamed later.

Most people think this means they’re lazy, broken, or dramatic. But that’s not the whole story.

What’s Really Going On

These behaviors are often Survival Resource Patterns (SRPs).

The significant ones form early — especially until around age 7 — when we are developing our subconscious blueprint for what is safe, possible, and allowed. They can form later in life too, but the early patterns form the deepest roots, because before age seven, we don’t yet have a fully developed conscious brain to question whether our experience makes sense or not.

If we grew up being overly criticized, not given choices, or having everything done for us, we may not have learned how to express ourselves directly. Instead, we learned to go around the discomfort. To survive.

The brain is wired for energy conservation. It repeats what helped us survive in the past, not what would help us thrive.

And here’s the key part: If you didn’t have a reference point for something in childhood, you may not even be able to recognize it now.

After a serious road accident end of 2023, I was overwhelmed — not just physically, but emotionally. People showed up to help in ways I didn’t expect: a stranger held my hand until the ambulance came. Friends coordinated with my family. Others sent kind messages or checked in consistently, even now while I’m still recovering.

But I noticed something else too: a few years ago, I might not have even seen those gestures. I wouldn’t have let them land. My nervous system didn’t have a reference point for receiving that kind of support. It just didn’t register.

In one of our classes in the HIP course, a woman was asked to imagine having unlimited resources. Her response? “That’s stupid. It’ll be taken away anyway.”

That wasn’t negativity. That was survival programming. She had no memory, no reference, no neural map for what safety and abundance looked like. Even in a fictional exercise, her nervous system wouldn’t let her dream.

How It Shows Up

Self-Sabotage:

• Saying you want something but not taking the steps to get it
• Always starting over
• Lateness, avoidance, quitting just before the finish line

Passive Aggressiveness:

• Delaying small tasks like taking out the trash
• Sarcastic comments that carry hidden resentment
• Acting cold or withdrawn instead of naming your needs
• Being “nice” while secretly stewing

Sometimes, instead of setting a boundary or saying no, we snap. Or go silent. Or make a joke that doesn’t quite land.

I know I’ve done it — responded bitchy when I should’ve just said, “No, I can’t do that right now.”

These are personality flaws and they’re protective adaptations. And they make sense.

Why It’s Not Your Fault — And What’s Possible Now

These patterns were brilliant. They helped you survive in an environment where directness, safety, or support weren’t available.

But now?

They might be holding you back from the very things you want: success, connection, creativity, freedom.

The good news is that your brain is plastic. You can create new reference points. You can rewire. You can build the neural pathways that were missing.

That same client who couldn’t imagine abundance had a breakthrough when she realized that even her imagination was stuck in survival. And now that she saw it, she could choose differently.

We can safely create new possibilities. In relationship. In my work, we use gentle, body-based practices to surface these patterns, repattern the nervous system, and build the safety and capacity for something new.

Each and every day, my resistance to positive change lowers and I vent out negatives in early morning dreams.

(Dr. Kappas, HMI)

An Invitation

Some of this might feel hard to read. That’s okay.

What if the part of you that’s sabotaging or withdrawing isn’t trying to ruin things — it’s trying to protect you?

What if you’ve simply never been shown another way?

If you’re ready to explore what that might look like, I’d be honored to walk with you.

There is nothing wrong with you.
There are just patterns.
And patterns can be rewired.