The Everyday Fight, Flight, or Freeze: A Journey with Polyvagal Theory

Did you also learn in school about our ancestors from the Stone Age and their fight-or-flight response when being hunted by a sabertooth tiger? That survival mechanism designed to protect us from danger? It was a revelation to me to discover that this ancient system is still at play inside us, not only in life-threatening situations but also in everyday moments when we feel triggered. Recognizing this was the first step in shifting how I navigate my emotions and experiences.

I first learned about polyvagal theory when a good friend recommended a therapist to me during a very challenging and unnerving period of my life. I was recovering from an accident while living in an apartment complex with a tyrannical residential manager. The environment was persistently noisy, my neighbors were difficult, and I seemed to attract one drama after another. Life felt overwhelming, like a massive drain I couldn’t escape. Working with the therapist was a turning point. Together, we mapped out my nervous system responses, uncovering patterns I had never noticed before. She introduced me to tools that helped me understand and navigate my nervous system, providing the first glimmers of calm amidst the chaos.

Knowledge Is Power: Understanding the Nervous System

Being an analytical person, I found it fascinating to learn about the three states of our nervous system. Understanding the principles of polyvagal theory, and recognizing where I am on what Dr. Stephen Porges calls the “nervous system ladder,” has been incredibly insightful. This ladder represents the states of our autonomic nervous system:

  • Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection): This is where we feel safe, connected, and able to engage with the world. It’s the state of homeostasis.
  • Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): This is where our nervous system becomes upregulated in response to perceived danger—an activated state that prepares us to fight or flee.
  • Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown): This is where our nervous system becomes downregulated. When the danger feels overwhelming or inescapable, we may experience a freeze response, feeling disconnected or numb.

Mapping My Nervous System Responses

A next illuminating step was mapping out my nervous system—what events lead me into a sympathetic state? How does that feel, and how do I react in these situations? In what moments do I slide into a dorsal response? Understanding these states and, with a bit of practice, being able to anticipate when I’m sliding down the ladder has been truly eye-opening and liberating. Instead of feeling at the mercy of my emotions, I started noticing patterns in my reactions. I learned to recognize when I was becoming dysregulated and identify my position on the ladder. This newfound awareness gave me the ability to choose how I respond, rather than feeling at the mercy of my reactions.

Tools for Regulation: Climbing Back Up the Ladder

Knowing where I was on the ladder is already great, but it gets even better—I also learned tools to help me move through these states. Polyvagal theory emphasizes that our nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger, a process called neuroception. This means that to feel better, I needed to send my nervous system signals that I was safe.

Here are a few tools that have been helpful:

  • Mapping My Glimmers: I started identifying what ventral vagal state feels like for me. What situations have I experienced where everything felt just right? What activities bring me into a flow state? Recalling these “glimmers” of safety and connection helps me snap out of a funk when I catch it early and the trigger was not too intense.
  • Breathing Techniques: Slowing my breath and focusing on long exhales helps activate the ventral vagal system, signaling safety.
  • Co-Regulation: Connecting with supportive people who can hold space for me is so helpful. A warm smile from a friend who listens makes such a difference.
  • Grounding Practices: Engaging my senses—feeling the ground under my feet, listening to soothing music, or lighting a nice-smelling candle—helps me anchor in the present.
  • Movement: Gentle yoga, walking, or even shaking my body can help discharge sympathetic energy and bring me back to balance.
  • Pattern Interrupts: When I’m super triggered, like after a perceived personal attack, and escalating into a sympathetic response (racing thoughts, overthinking, spiraling), I’ve found it helpful to do a physical pattern interrupt. Dancing, doing 10 burpees, or any sudden change in activity can break the cycle of an unhelpful brain pattern, giving my mind a chance to catch up with my sympathetic fight response.
  • EFT (Tapping): Tapping helps me reduce the initial buzz of a trigger. Working through different aspects of a problem and ending with how I want to feel/react instead is a powerful tool for me.
  • Mindful Self-Compassion:
    • Naming what’s happening.
    • Reminding myself that this is a shared human experience—others go through this too.
    • Validating my feelings and telling myself, *This is hard.*

These tools are not about fixing or avoiding difficult emotions but rather supporting myself through them. Sometimes, it’s not about “getting out of” a state but finding ways to feel safe while I’m in it. Life is hard, and all our responses are valid—we need to feel the things that need to be felt.

Agreeing to Learn from Myself

One significant shift I’ve experienced is learning to be curious about my nervous system instead of fighting it. Polyvagal theory taught me that my reactions aren’t failures—they’re my body’s way of trying to protect me. When I reframed these moments as opportunities to learn, rather than problems to solve or resist the reality of what is happening, it changed everything.

For example, when I’m super annoyed and frustrated and find myself spiraling into overthinking, it was a freeing shift to stop fighting my reaction. Instead of spiraling further down the ladder, I started understanding that I’m in a sympathetic response. Now, instead of resisting it, I acknowledge the state I’m in and work through it using the tools I’ve learned.

Or, when I notice I’m in a dorsal vagal state, I no longer criticize myself for feeling disconnected or numb. Instead, I ask: *What does my body need right now to feel safe?* Sometimes the answer is rest, and other times it’s reaching out to a friend. Either way, I’ve learned to honor the wisdom of my nervous system.

Reflecting on Our Shared Experiences

When I talk about these insights with others, I notice how much this framework resonates with their lived experiences. It’s often surprising to realize that many of the tools I’ve mentioned above are things we already do intuitively. Understanding why they work adds a new layer of mindfulness to our actions. This awareness builds self-compassion, which is the foundation for meaningful change. Who hasn’t felt the relief of a deep breath, the warmth of connection, or the freeze of overwhelm?

The Journey Continues

Polyvagal theory isn’t a magic solution; it’s a gradual journey of learning and practice. There are still moments when I feel stuck or overwhelmed, but now I have a map and tools to navigate those moments. More importantly, I have a new relationship with myself—one rooted in curiosity, compassion, and admiration for the incredible intelligence of my body.

What’s been your experience with nervous system regulation? Are there moments, tools, or insights that resonate with you? Or maybe this is a totally new concept—if so, I’d love to know what stands out or sparks curiosity. Let me know in the comments—I look forward to hearing from you.

If you’d like to dive deeper, here are some resources I’ve found helpful:

  • The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer
  • Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory by Deb Dana
  • The Polyvagal Theory by Dr. Stephen Porges