Dating Advice for Women: The One Question No One Teaches You to Ask
The Biology of Desire with Jennifer van Allen
Jennifer and I recently recorded a conversation for YouTube that was completely unscripted.
At one point she said something that really stuck with me.
It was such a simple question, but I realized I had honestly never thought about relationships that way before.
The question was this:
Is what I’m letting into my life something I want multiplied?
And when she said that, something clicked.
Because if I look back at many relationships — not just romantic ones — the issue was often not that I ignored red flags.
The issue was that I never stopped to ask whether what I was experiencing was actually something I would want more of.
When Dating Just Feels Exhausting
In the conversation I told Jennifer about something that had happened that same morning.
A man I hadn’t heard from in about nine years suddenly sent me a message.
Just a simple message.
“Are you still in the Dominican Republic?”
And immediately my mind started doing what many of our minds do.
Running through all the possible scenarios.
What does he want?
Why now?
Where could this go?
But at the same time there was another part of me thinking something very different.
Do I really want to go through all of this again?
Not even because of him specifically.
Just the whole process.
The uncertainty.
The emotional ups and downs.
The overthinking.
I think many women reach a point where dating doesn’t feel scary anymore — it just feels… tiring.
Two Things Can Be True
Jennifer said something interesting in response to that.
She said there are actually two very valid things happening in that moment.
One part of you might want to protect your heart.
After all, if you’ve been through painful experiences before, your nervous system naturally wants to avoid repeating that.
But there’s also another truth.
If you didn’t want a real connection — a real partnership — you wouldn’t feel any excitement at all.
The fact that there is even a little bit of curiosity or energy there usually means something in you still wants that deeper connection.
And both of those parts can exist at the same time.
Lesson or Lifetime
Another idea Jennifer shared that I found really helpful was this distinction between what she calls a lesson and a lifetime.
Some people come into your life for a season.
They teach you something.
They show you something about yourself.
Others stay.
But the interesting part is that you don’t actually have to figure that out right away.
Instead of trying to analyze everything from the beginning, you can simply allow someone to reveal who they are over time.
Through their actions.
Through consistency.
Through how they show up.
Letting Someone Prove Themselves
One thing Jennifer said during the conversation made me pause for a moment.
She said:
He’s the one proving himself. Not you.
And that’s a perspective many women aren’t used to.
So often we feel like we need to figure everything out.
Is this person right for me?
Is this going somewhere?
Should I invest more energy into this?
But what if dating was less about trying to solve a puzzle and more about observing what naturally unfolds?
Letting someone show you who they are.
And simply asking yourself along the way:
Is this something I would want multiplied in my life?
Curious to Explore This Further?
If this way of looking at relationships resonates with you, Jennifer goes much deeper into these ideas in her program Hungry For More.
In the course she shares the full framework she mentioned in our conversation — including the dating roadmap, neural desire mapping, and practical tools to help women approach dating with more clarity and confidence.
You can learn more about the program here:
https://www.jennifervanallen.com/hungry-for-more
Use code: PATRICIABOHL
