Breadcrumbs vs Charcuterie: A Refreshingly Simple Way to Think About Dating
The Biology of Desire with Jennifer van Allen
Recently something happened that many women will instantly recognize.
A man I hadn’t spoken to in almost ten years suddenly texted me.
Nothing dramatic.
Just a simple message asking if I was still living in the Dominican Republic.
And within seconds my brain started doing what many women’s brains do so naturally:
Why now?
What made him think of me?
Is there a deeper meaning here?
Luckily I happened to be recording a conversation with Jennifer at the time, and what followed turned into one of the most surprisingly freeing dating insights I’ve heard in a long time.
Jennifer introduced a concept she calls:
Breadcrumbs vs charcuterie.
And once you understand it, dating can feel a lot lighter.
Breadcrumbs vs Charcuterie
Let’s start with the metaphor.
Breadcrumbs are small signals of attention.
Things like:
• a casual text
• a quick check-in
• a message after months or years of silence
They’re not bad.
They’re just small.
Charcuterie, on the other hand, is a full offering.
It’s time, intention and presence.
It’s someone saying:
“I’d love to see you.”
“Let’s spend time together.”
“I want to get to know you.”
The key insight Jennifer shared is simple:
Many women respond to breadcrumbs with the excitement meant for charcuterie.
And that’s when dating suddenly becomes exhausting.
The Story Our Brain Wants To Tell
Something else Jennifer explained during our conversation was how naturally our brains start building stories.
A man sends a message.
And within seconds our minds start connecting dots.
What could this mean?
Where could this lead?
Why now?
But sometimes a message really is just a message.
Men often think much more linearly than we do.
Sometimes the thought process is literally:
“I thought of you.”
So they text.
Understanding this doesn’t make dating less romantic.
It actually makes it easier to stay grounded and curious instead of spinning into overanalysis.
The Energy Question
One of my favorite takeaways from this conversation was Jennifer’s simple lens for navigating interactions.
Instead of trying to analyze someone’s intentions, ask a different question:
Does this interaction give me energy or take my energy?
Some interactions feel expansive and fun.
Others feel confusing or draining.
Learning to notice that difference is incredibly powerful.
It allows you to stay open and playful without getting pulled into unnecessary emotional spirals.
Why Dating Sometimes Feels So Tiring
Many women say modern dating feels exhausting.
And that’s understandable.
There is so much advice telling women to constantly analyze:
red flags
attachment styles
communication mistakes
While some of that information can be helpful, it can also make dating feel like an investigation rather than an experience.
Jennifer offers a different perspective.
Instead of scanning for everything that might go wrong, focus on whether someone is naturally showing up with real effort and intention.
When someone does that, you don’t have to work so hard to interpret signals.
It becomes much more obvious.
Lifetime Or Lesson
Another idea Jennifer shared that really landed for me was this question:
Is this person showing signs of being a lifetime — or simply a lesson?
Both can be valuable.
But when you’re hoping for a long-term relationship, it helps to notice whether someone is gradually showing deeper intention over time.
Not through words alone.
But through consistent action.
Making Dating Feel Lighter Again
One of the things I appreciate about Jennifer’s work is that it brings a lot of lightness back into dating.
Instead of approaching dating from a place of fear or hyper-analysis, the invitation is to stay curious and present.
To enjoy the experience.
To notice when someone shows up with genuine effort.
And to let the rest simply pass by without taking up too much mental space.
Because ultimately, the goal isn’t to perfectly analyze every interaction.
It’s to create space for a relationship that feels joyful, supportive and alive.
If you’re curious about Jennifer’s 20-week program “Hungry for More,” you can explore it here:
https://www.jennifervanallen.com/hungry-for-more
Use code: PATRICIABOHL
