When You Feel Like Giving Up on Love
The Biology of Desire with Jennifer van Allen
This was our last conversation.
I always like spending time with Jennifer, but I didn’t expect to enjoy these recordings as much as I did. It never really felt like “creating content.” It felt more like trying to make sense of something.
Because a lot of people I speak to—and maybe you feel the same—are doing all the right things… and still feel stuck when it comes to dating.
Not for lack of effort.
But because something about it just doesn’t feel right.
One thing that stood out to me in this conversation is how much dating has shifted.
It used to happen in community.
Now it mostly happens online.
Which sounds efficient—but it also means there’s very little accountability. If something feels off, you move on. If it doesn’t work, the other person becomes “the problem.”
And then… next.
Another piece is this constant idea of “fixing yourself.”
Fix your patterns.
Fix your communication.
Fix whatever is still not good enough.
And yes, self-awareness matters. But if your whole approach is built around finding what’s wrong, you will always find something.
At some point, it just becomes exhausting.
What I found interesting is the shift Jennifer pointed to:
Instead of constantly looking for what’s wrong…
what if you started noticing what’s actually right?
Not in a naive way.
Just… a different starting point.
And if it’s not there, you move on. But not everything has to become a lesson or a problem to solve.
And maybe the biggest one:
A lot of dating is oriented around being chosen.
Be more.
Do more.
Have more… and then someone will want you.
But we all know that doesn’t guarantee anything.
So the question becomes less “How do I get chosen?” and more:
Who actually meets me where I am?
Anyway—this was our last episode.
I really loved these conversations, and I’m curious what landed for you, if anything.
If you want to go deeper into Jennifer’s work, you can check out Hungry for More here.
